i just don't know.

I feel like i have so much anger bottled up inside of me. I just don't know what to do, say, or even how to express myself for that matter. And it hurts so bad. Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. I guess I'm just getting tired of dissapointment. Why do people tell you something, and never follow through? Dissapointment. Now matter how many times I tell you, no matter what I do, you do the same thing over again. It'd be nice to let me know you changed the plans involving me. Just so I wouldn't feel like an idiot waiting. You know that choked up feeling, when you want to cry, but you know you can't.? And then your throat gets all dry?... It sucks.
Well that's how my day went.
Besides that....
I'm kinda stressing over school. You see originally I wanted to do what almost every TEENAGE mother wants to do. Go to school for teaching. Literally most of the teen mothers I know either want to be teachers or nurses. I mean teaching would be great because that means I get plenty of time with Jordynn, but lately I've been having second thoughts.
Before I got pregnant, my big thing was journalism and photograpy. I wasn't the best at it, but it's what made me happy. I felt good doing it. That's originally what I wanted to do in life. Then I got pregnant and was stuck between teaching or nursing. You see, nursing doesn't take much schooling, but then I looked at the pluses and negatives of both, and just decided I'd go to school for teaching. But Lately, I've realized that the town I live in sucks! If you ever want to do anything fun you have to drive.! & I hate driving. So I thought it would be cool to open up my own place. Like a skating ring or bowling alley, ya know? I thought it'd be cool. A place where parents could throw parites at, maybe have like a little arcade inside, and a dinning area. The only catch is NO ALCHOHOL. I think alchohol would just ruin it.
So anyways, like most teenages, I've been going back and forth a lot. Now I think I want to go to school for business. But in doing that, I'd be taking a HUGE leap, and risking so much. Hard work pays off, but what if I'm in over my head. I mean I have jordynn to think about. There's just so much more that goes into all of this. So I'm stuck.
Anyways... writing this got my mind off of a lot. Now to go back into the "real world" lol

OK.

Today Eric went onto the mtv website, and clicked on our episode. He was reading all the RUDE comments people left. I promised myself I wouldn't go back to that website, and have no idea why I let Eric go, while I was over. But anyways. I just want to set the record straight. People were saying that I was selfish, and complained about Eric not helping enough. FYI. ERIC WASN'T WORKING AT THE TIME. I never told mtv that Eric stopped working, so they had us do a scene were Eric was coming home from "work".
So Eric and I were NOT doing the same.
We were both going to school, I was home schooled, so whatever. Same thing. I had every right to want more help.
ANd to clear the air, Eric and I started having sex when I was 14. I got pregnant at the age of 16!!! Had Jordynn when I was 17!
Eric and I are still together!And as for my INSANE LABOR. Every one handles pain differently. You didn't see the whole labor, and I was heavily drugged.
THANKS!

I So Desperately Want to Help Others To Prevent Teenage Pregnancies.

   I wouldn't call myself a hypocrite because I want to help others prevent teenage pregnancies.
I love my daughter, and that's the one thing I want everyone to know. She means the world to me, and I do not regret a thing.
   It's just, everything that i've experienced these past 18 months (9 months being pregnant, and another 9 with jordynn :] ) well about 19 months, has made me open my eyes and grow up so much. Not everyone can do it. My life has changed in a million and plus ways. There are so many situations that I've gone through, and so many emotions I've wished that no one else would have to go through or feel. Being a teen parent is a struggle. My parents constantly lectured me about how hard it would be, but I had no idea. Being raised by teen parents, I guess when I got pregnant I figured if they can do it, so can I. Well, my parents are divorced. My dad is the manager at fast food place, no high school degree, and my mother is the manager at a pawn shop, with only a GED. My dad is one of the wisest men I know, and my mother is a wise woman, but it was hard for them once they had me. Their relationship suffered, because the stress of being parents, going to school, working, and getting by had on them. They were young. Growing up I remember being with my grandma a lot, because my parents worked, and I remember lots of fighting. I don't know. I mean one thing you've got to understand is I RESPECT MY PARENTS TO THE FULLEST. Yes, I do think things could have been better, but yes I KNOW they did their best.
  But right now, present time: I'm worried about college. Right now I'm settling for a community college for two years, and then transferring to a school close by home. I had to sacrifice going away. I'm worried about Eric and I's relationship, because we struggle very much at times. I'm worried about where I will be living in the next 2-5 years because as much as I appreciate the home my mother offers Jordynn and I, I don't want to live here forever. I'm worred most importantly about what affect everything will have on jordynn. Those four years that I'm going to be going to school, yea I'll be able to see Jordynn, but I won't get to be around her all the time, and I'm scared that I'll miss a lot. I'm gonna be working also, so it sucks.
   The way I wish it could have been:
Me: Ten  years older, a good and stable job, a healthy relationship and marriage, and a home of my own.
It would be so much easier. I just feel like the past is repeating itself, and I should learn from my past. I want to change it, improve it, and make it better.
   But as for now, I have a beautiful happy baby, she has everything she needs, she's perfect. Yes the road up ahead will be a little rough, but with determination, I know I can do anything I set my mind to. I do it because I have to. Mothers aren't allowed to show weakness. Yes I break down, but I get right back up. For Jordynn. I want so badly to give her more than what i had. I just want to put an end to this cycle.
   Teenage Pregnancy is not a cool trend.
It doesn't promise you that you and your boyfriend will be toghether forever. You can't put yourself first, not ever. I can't remember the last time I bought something for myself. lol
  
and if my parents ever get a hold of this by some chance, I love you guys so much, and this isn't meant to hurt you in any way. I hope yall will understand.

What do you do?

What do you do when you don't know what to do?
Sit there and watch everything fall apart, wait for it to get better, then watch it as it all comes tumbling down again?
Life is a beautiful mess, and I don't understand it. Things right now are so confusing. It feels as if I have no one to talk to.
I've drifted away from most of my friends, my relationships with almost everybody including Eric are a mess, I still haven't started community college, and I feel like a bum.
& Then there is Jordynn.
Jordynn.
Jordynn.
Jordynn.
Now that girl right there is something else.
Being a mother to her, and at such a young age is such a challenge, but at the same time it's a privillage.
It's a huge honer to be that baby girl's mother. The stuff she does. She has so much life in her. And yes i get frustrated sometimes, and yes i get stressed, but don't all mothers?
I know I'm rambling.
I'm sorry. I'm just writing everything as it comes, and I know none of this is organized.
I just hope she makes wiser choices when she's older.
I want so much better for her, and yes how cliche, that's what all parents say, but it's like you don't fully understand it until you're a parent yourself, and it's TRUE. I do want better for her. I don't want her to struggle like I have been, and will be doing.
I mean, don't get me wrong, my life is good, and could be a lot worse, but it's just not easy.
I guess nothing is ever easy though right?

I feel like I'm trying so hard to be better, so hard to make things work, and hold it all together. But I also feel like I'm doing everything wrong.
I just want Jordynn to be proud when she grows up. Proud that I'm her mom.